Happy Mother's Day! Reclaiming the Joy of Womanhood

I never wanted to be a mother. 

I feel embarrassed admitting that now, but it’s true. 

Growing up, I always had a strong testimony of the restored Gospel, but the idea of having children, and discussing the roles of women in general, was a topic that often brought on feelings of significant resentment for me. I felt that God had made some sort of mistake; making women so much physically weaker and more vulnerable than men, and then asking that they submit to their husbands, be meek and mild, and bear children. Surely God had to know that this imbalance would mean that women would often be abused, forgotten, and neglected. Surely that imbalance was evidence that He cherished his sons more than his daughters. 

Looking back, there were a number of reasons why I felt this way, many of them deeply personal, but I believe a significant reason was the disparaging way that women would speak of motherhood and womanhood. Most women seemed eager to share stories of the terror and danger of childbirth, of the late nights spent with crying babies, of being constantly tired and never having enough time to do what needed to be done. Although I think that sharing our difficulties and burdens with others is certainly important, I believe we sometimes speak so often of the supposed danger and burden of motherhood, that we can instill a deep disgust and fear of womanhood in girls. I know it did for me! 

I can see now that I was not unique in this view. There are girls who are so repulsed by the idea of being a woman that they reject womanhood altogether, in ways both physical and spiritual. Adolescent girls, for example, are the group that experienced the sharpest increase in gender dysphoria in the last decade. 

Declining of Women’s Happiness

Starting around the 1970s, there was a push for “women’s liberation,” a movement that claimed to undo any inequalities between men and women through equal representation in the workforce, contraceptive access, and abortion. (Roe v. Wade was decided in 1973). 

In what would seem to be a bizarre twist, the overall happiness of women has decreased steadily since that time. Women now report being less happy overall and being less happy than men. 

In an article written for the Ensign in 1987 titled “One Thing Needful”: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ,” Patricia T. Holland addressed this supposed paradox. 

“I am very appreciative of the added awareness that the women’s movement has given to a gospel principle we have had since Mother Eve and before—that of agency, the right to choose.”

“But one of the most unfortunate side effects we have faced in this matter of agency is that, because of the increasing diversity of life-styles for women of today, we seem even more uncertain and less secure with each other. We are not getting closer, but further away from that sense of community and sisterhood that has sustained us and given us strength for generations. There seems to be an increase in our competitiveness and a decrease in our generosity with one another.”

What I Wish I Could Tell My Former Self

I’ve learned a lot since my teenage years, and I wish I could somehow go to my younger self and tell her what I know now. Here are the truths I would share if I could.

1. The Savior came as the meekest of all. 

2. Embracing womanhood and its divine attributes leads to joy. 

The Savior Came as the Meekest of All

When the Savior came to the earth, most expected him to come with glory, power, and honor. He would come as the king of kings and destroy evil with his might.

What happened instead is both profoundly humbling and incredibly frustrating at the same time. The Savior came as an infant child, born into a poor, unknown family. He required protection, nurture, and care. This humility reflected his remarkable ministry.

Matthew 5:5: “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

Matthew 5:9: “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.”

Matthew 16:25: “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.”

In a fallen world of violence, power, and fear, the Savior taught us to be meek, to be peacemakers, and to forget ourselves in the service of others. Not only that, but he taught that this was the way to happiness!

These truths are reiterated by modern day prophets.

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others.” - Gordon B. Hinckley 1977.

Patricia T. Holland also taught this beautifully: 

“[Satan} tauntingly teases us that if we don’t have it all—fame, fortune, families, and fun, and have it all the time—we have been short-changed and are second-class citizens in the race of life. As a sex we are struggling, our families are struggling, and our society is struggling. Drugs, teenage pregnancies, divorce, family violence, and suicide are some of the ever-increasing side effects of our collective life in the express lane.” (I would certainly add abortion to that list!)

Our culture’s obsession with visibility, power, and equality, are contrary to the Savior’s example and ministry and, therefore, contrary to the way of happiness. The Gospel teaches us to do something remarkable: to forget ourselves and to live our lives for God and for others. 

Embracing Womanhood and Its Divine Attributes Leads to Joy

Second to the Savior’s mortal ministry and infinite atonement is the truth that accepting our divine role as women is the path that leads us to happiness!

In my experience, we in the world and in the Church seem afraid to even mention the unique traits of women, as though acknowledging that there are any differences between men and women at all is somehow offensive. Growing up, this lack of value of feminine attributes led me to experience significant envy and discontent. Through the teachings of the world, I had developed the inherent belief that the divine attributes and callings held by women were inferior to those held by men. It is no wonder that this was a source of misery to me. 

Although I wish I had learned it sooner, this deeper understanding of my femininity did not come until I had my first child. Suddenly my gifts were needed in more abundance than before. Gifts such as attention to detail, tenderness, patience, and appreciation of the small and beautiful things of the world, to name a few. But I had always had these feminine gifts and benefitted from them and used them for the service of others. My divine nature as a woman was needed and valued throughout my entire life. 

This is explained again beautifully by Sister Holland:

“As I tenderly acknowledge the very real pain that many single women, or married women who have not borne children, feel about any discussion of motherhood, could we consider this one possibility about our eternal female identity—our unity in our diversity? Eve was given the identity of “the mother of all living”—years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child. It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity, just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words—with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us. I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.”

Our Joy As Women

When we speak to children and to each other, we ought to remember to speak of the joy we experience as women. The joy of being tender, of serving others, of watching our children grow and excel, the joy of pregnancy and childbirth (yes really!), and much more. If we do not teach our daughters this, the world is going to teach them something very different and very bitter. 

As Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught:

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?”