Healing from Abortion: Overcoming Grief Psychologically and Spiritually

A starting place for overcoming the grief of abortion for Latter-day Saint women

“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.” - Jeremiah 29:12

I’ll never forget the day early in my senior year of high school when I got a text from my cousin telling me she was pregnant.

She is only a few days younger than me and was just starting her senior year as well. She’d had a fling with a guy and found out she was pregnant. He’d told her to “get rid of it” and have an abortion and I asked to be excused from class and called her. I remember talking to her on my phone in the school bathroom and telling her that the baby growing inside her wasn’t an “it” but a little person who deserved to have a life, whether that was with her or another family via adoption, was up to her. 

Luckily, for both my cousin and her daughter, they had someone to suggest an option other than abortion, but not all women are so lucky or follow advice given. If you find yourself in that situation, this is for you.

Whatever decision it was that led you to have an abortion, I’m sure it wasn’t easy, just like I’m sure you’re now struggling and that is why you’re reading this.

Our Religious Stance on Abortion and Why Women Need to Heal

For clarity’s sake, the following outlines the official stance of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints;

“Human life is a sacred gift from God. Elective abortion for personal or social convenience is contrary to the will and the commandments of God…

Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints must not submit to, perform, encourage, pay for, or arrange for an abortion…

Church leaders have said that some exceptional circumstances may justify an abortion, such as when pregnancy is the result of incest or rape, when the life or health of the mother is judged by competent medical authority to be in serious jeopardy, or when the fetus is known by competent medical authority to have severe defects that will not allow the baby to survive beyond birth. But even these circumstances do not automatically justify an abortion. Those who face such circumstances should consider abortion only after receiving a confirmation through earnest prayer.”

In summary, abortions of convenience are contrary to the will of God and abortions performed because of rape, incest, or extreme medical circumstances must be approached prayerfully and on an individual basis.

Regardless of the reason for an abortion, the resulting loss of a baby can be incredibly painful. One of the things rarely discussed in the arguments surrounding abortion is the emotional and spiritual effect it can have on the mother who has lost her child through abortion. I say “lost a child” because that is the reality of the situation; a child who was once alive inside the mother is no longer present or alive, and it is a heart-rending reality to deal with. 

Emotional Challenges After Abortion

One of the biggest emotions women discuss feeling post-abortion is grief. As stated before, abortion results in a mother losing a child. Grief can be a tricky thing and everyone handles it differently, but I will discuss grief in generalities and offer suggestions for ways to potentially move forward and grow through it.

You may have heard of the stages of grief. One popular theory, the 5-step model for grief or the Kübler-Ross Model, suggests that individuals may experience:

1. Denial,

2. Anger,

3.  Bargaining,

4.  Depression, and

5.  Acceptance after a loss. 

While this is not a “one size fits all” roadmap to grief because not everyone will necessarily experience all these steps or in this order, it is helpful to see a progression for potential growth. I’d like to highlight the acceptance step because this is where the budding possibility for growth lies. 

You have had an abortion. As painful as it is, along with all the possible accompanying emotions, it is reality. Accept it. It was either a choice you made or a choice that was made for you, depending on your situation, and it is a difficult thing to come to terms with. 

The question is now; What do you do?

Steps for Emotional Recovery

According to another 4-step model, known as Worden’s Model, the next step is to process the pain of grief. For some, this may include processing the guilt along with the accompanying grief of your choice. Suppressing or avoiding these emotions will not work. Talk with the Lord. Talk with a trusted priesthood leader. Talk with a therapist or counselor. Seek peace and, where appropriate, repentance. 

1. Accept the reality of the loss. Overcome temptation to avoid or deny that the loss has happened.

2. Process the pain of grief: Grief involves a wide range of emotions, and this task requires acknowledging and working through these feelings, rather than suppressing or avoiding them.

3. Adjust to a world without the deceased: This task involves adapting to the changes in one's roles, routines, and environment resulting from the loss. This includes learning to live without the deceased's presence and support.

4. Find an enduring connection with the deceased and move on: This task is about maintaining a healthy connection with the memory of the deceased while simultaneously investing in new relationships and activities. It's about finding a way to honor the deceased's memory while continuing to live a fulfilling life.

Hope for Forgiveness and Spiritual Peace

Remember the council from Jeffery R. Holland: “I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.” (“The Laborers in the Vineyard,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 33). It is not possible for you to go beyond, emotionally or under the weight of sin, the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines. Seek that divine light.

Now you may be asking: Where do I go from there?

The answer to that question lies with you and the Lord. Jeremiah 29:12 in the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible states:

“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.”

I testify that what Jeremiah teaches is true. Your Heavenly Father has a plan for you and He loves you. Your Savior Jesus Christ loves you and wants to help you. I encourage you to live your life in the light of the gospel of Jesus Christ and you will find peace and joy. May God bless you.

This blog post does not replace professional advice. Please contact a mental health professional in addition to a bishop or other trusted Church leader for personalized guidance. However, these tips and information may be helpful places to start.